The interaction between Power and Love has a remarkable influence in all cooperative relationships. Similar to the foundations of a building, power provides stability and structure. We use our influence to break new ground and provide strength and direction to deal with the uncertainty of change. On the other hand, love acts as the glue that holds these structures together, a kind of cement in the 'building'. Thriving teams often find their driving force in connection (love). We can lean on each other and individuals feel valued and seen. Like dance partners, power and love enter into a continuous dance, each with their own rhythm and meaning. Nicely said, but that dance is not without stumbling steps. The complex nature of both of these human drives has had my attention for years - ever since I personally experienced the suffocating effect of harmony (love) in my work and discovered how my negatively biased understanding of power hindered my ability to exert influence myself. And by now, everyone has heard about a toxic work environment or, unfortunately, experienced it themselves. Both drives have a beautiful side, but both also have a dark side, which can cause stagnation, distrust and polarization.
From avoiding tension to seeking adventure After having read Adam Kahane's book, Power and Love, my colleagues and me embarked on a journey of discovery into these two drives from 2021 onwards. Initially, we thought that our research would focus on practical applications in our work - concrete tools for use in our training and coaching. But as is often the case in this line of work, we did not escape this dance of power and love ourselves. Already aware of my tendency towards harmony, I always saw tension/conflict as something to be avoided at all costs. I had simply never learned how this could be done differently and I also recognized this as one of my protection mechanisms from the past. In my work I was the queen of avoiding tension. As soon as I saw so much as a furrowed brow, I smoothly turned in another direction to look for another reassuring smile. Nice, but because I, as a facilitator, knew the apparently safe route, we missed the real gems. Since I started approaching friction differently, as a fascinatingly interesting adventure, all kinds of surprises came to light that were hidden 'behind' the possible conflicts. In the same way, I also examined my feelings and assumptions surrounding power, which relaxed my relationship with people who are naturally more driven by 'power'. I understand them better and can make myself understood more easily. This changes the entire interaction dynamic. A relief. For me, but I think for others as well. My colleagues and me discovered numerous obstacles that stand in the way of healthy relationships. Sometimes more obstacles than we would like. Yes, if you want to have more influence or create deeper connections, you can't escape the dance yourself. Confronting assumptions, beliefs and dilemmas and giving them a second chance proves beneficial.
The dark sides of Power and Love While power and love can enrich human interaction, they also cast shadows that occasionally take destructive forms, think of #me-too situations. Power can easily degenerate into abuse, with the drive for control and dominance leading to oppression and manipulation. In many cases this is a risky blind spot for people who cross a line. On the other hand, the shadow aspect of love can manifest as suffocating harmony. The desire for solidarity and fear of conflict can hinder the expression of opinions and criticism. This seemingly 'loving' harmony can ultimately hinder openness and growth, sweeping important issues under the rug. Such a shame. And this is actually a form of false love, isnt it?
A third space: a balancing act of Power and Love Recent years of research have not only deepened our understanding of the dynamics between power and love, but also provided a profound appreciation of their crucial synergy. Backed with these insights, we felt the urgent need to create a 'third space' - a place where professionals can come together to explore both their powerful ambitions and human connections.
You want to navigate today's organizations effectively? That means understanding your relationship with power and love.
Often a person feels more comfortable with one of the two, which makes dealing with the other aspect challenging. Or experiences in both areas can cause unwanted disruption. This means we leave a whole area of influence or effect unused. Recognizing your automatic preferences is essential to improving your relationships - Do you usually prioritize harmony? Or does almost everything have to make way for a perfect result? Becoming aware of your beliefs about the other aspect can also make you more comfortable with adopting new behaviors. For example, what are your associations with the word power? Is it unattractive and does it make you think of dictators? Or does it 'merely' express the way we exert influence? And the other side - What are your associations with the word Love? Does it mean something romantic? And connection? Does that sound too soft? In a third space we investigate which obstacles stand in the way of healthy working relationships for you or your team. We also discover through different working methods how to navigate existing power dynamics and what solutions are needed to increase potential and room for improvement.
Welcome to a third space This 'third space' is not ours, or yours or the other person's. It is a judgment-free, neutral place for research and meeting. This is the place where solutions are available. A third space is a place where creativity, innovation and dialogue flourish through the exploration of different drivers, perspectives and approaches. We look forward to seeing you in a third space!
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